Ways to Support a Grieving Friend or Family Member
Gentle tips on what to say, what not to say, and thoughtful acts of kindness
At Scala, Roefaro & Karboski Funeral Home, we’ve walked alongside countless families in our Utica community during some of life’s most difficult moments. Grief is deeply personal, and while there’s no “one-size-fits-all” way to support someone who is mourning, small acts of kindness and thoughtful words can bring comfort in ways you might not imagine.
If you have a friend or family member who is grieving, you might find yourself wondering: What should I say? What should I do? How can I help without overstepping?
This guide offers gentle tips on how to be present for someone who is hurting — what to say, what to avoid, and practical ways to show you care.
1. The Power of Simply Showing Up
One of the most meaningful things you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. You don’t need to have the perfect words or a grand gesture. Often, your quiet presence is enough to remind them they’re not alone.
- Reach out early and often. Don’t wait for the “right moment” — there rarely is one. Send a simple text, make a phone call, or stop by with their favorite coffee.
- Be consistent. Many people rally around the bereaved in the first week or two after a loss, but then support fades. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, so continue to check in weeks and months later.
- Offer a listening ear. Sometimes the best comfort is found in simply sitting together in silence or allowing your loved one to speak without interruption.
2. What to Say: Gentle and Supportive Words
When someone is grieving, our instinct is to “make it better.” But grief can’t be fixed — it needs to be felt. Your words should offer comfort without trying to solve their pain.
Here are some simple, heartfelt phrases you might use:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I care about you.”
- “Your loved one meant so much to me too.”
- “I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk.”
If you have a personal memory of the person who has passed, share it. Stories keep their memory alive and can be a source of comfort. You might say:
“I’ll never forget the way your dad would tell that story about the fishing trip. He had such a great laugh.”
3. What Not to Say
Even with the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally cause hurt. Avoid words that minimize the loss, impose a timeline on grief, or offer platitudes that can feel hollow.
Consider avoiding:
- “They’re in a better place.” (This may not align with their beliefs, and can shut down conversation.)
- “At least they lived a long life.” (Grief is valid no matter the age of the person lost.)
- “I know how you feel.” (Even if you’ve experienced loss, every grief journey is unique.)
- “You’ll get over it in time.” (Grief changes, but it doesn’t vanish.)
- “Everything happens for a reason.” (Many grieving people aren’t ready for philosophical explanations.)
Instead of trying to explain or rationalize the loss, focus on acknowledging their pain and offering support.
4. Acts of Kindness That Make a Difference
When grief overwhelms, even simple tasks can feel impossible. Offering tangible help can ease some of the daily burdens a grieving person faces.
Here are some thoughtful ways to help:
- Prepare a meal. Comfort food truly does bring comfort. Opt for dishes that can be frozen and reheated later.
- Run errands. Offer to pick up groceries, drop off mail, or drive them to appointments.
- Help with household tasks. Doing laundry, mowing the lawn, or shoveling snow can lift a big weight.
- Offer childcare or pet care. Giving them a break from responsibilities can provide precious moments of rest.
- Create a memory book or photo album. Gathering photos and stories from friends and family can be a lasting treasure.
Tip: Be specific in your offers. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “I’m going to the grocery store — what can I pick up for you?”
5. Respecting Their Grief Process
Every person grieves differently. Some want to talk openly about their loss, while others need space. Respecting their process means paying attention to cues and letting them set the pace.
- Follow their lead. If they want to share stories for hours, listen. If they want quiet, sit with them in silence.
- Don’t rush them. Avoid suggesting they “should” be feeling better or “moving on.”
- Remember special dates. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can be especially hard. A quick message on these days shows you haven’t forgotten.
6. Long-Term Support: Being There Beyond the Funeral
The weeks after a funeral can be some of the loneliest. Once formal services are over and life for others returns to normal, the grieving person may feel forgotten.
Here are ways to offer ongoing support:
- Set reminders to check in. Send a note, call, or invite them for coffee at regular intervals.
- Invite them to activities without pressure. Even if they decline, knowing the invitation is open can be comforting.
- Share memories. Continue to talk about their loved one, especially on special days.
7. Supporting Grieving Children and Teens
Children and teens experience grief differently than adults and may need extra care.
- Be honest in age-appropriate ways. Avoid vague terms like “went to sleep” which can cause confusion.
- Encourage expression. Drawing, writing, or playing can help children process feelings.
- Maintain routines. Familiar structure provides a sense of safety.
- Listen patiently. Allow them to ask questions, even repeatedly, as they make sense of the loss.
If you’re unsure how to help, Scala, Roefaro & Karboski Funeral Home can connect you with grief counselors who specialize in working with young people.
8. Supporting from Afar
If you live too far to offer in-person support, there are still meaningful ways to be present:
- Send hand-written letters. A heartfelt card can be read and re-read during quiet moments.
- Order a meal delivery service. This ensures they have nourishing food without the stress of cooking.
- Gift a comfort item. A soft blanket, candle, or personalized keepsake can serve as a reminder of your care.
- Schedule video calls. Sometimes seeing a friendly face can lift the heaviness of a day.
9. Caring for Yourself as a Supporter
Supporting someone who is grieving can be emotionally taxing. Remember to care for your own well-being so you can be fully present for them.
- Set boundaries. It’s okay to take breaks to rest and recharge.
- Seek your own support. Talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or support group about your feelings.
- Practice self-care. Whether it’s exercise, prayer, or quiet reflection, tending to your needs helps you remain a steady presence.
10. When to Encourage Professional Help
Grief is natural, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming or leads to depression, anxiety, or isolation. If your friend or family member shows signs of struggling beyond what feels manageable, gently suggest speaking to a grief counselor or joining a support group.
Signs they might need extra support include:
- Persistent hopelessness or withdrawal
- Inability to manage daily responsibilities for an extended period
- Substance abuse as a coping mechanism
- Expressions of wanting to harm themselves
At Scala, Roefaro & Karboski Funeral Home, we can recommend local and online grief resources that offer compassionate, professional care.
Final Thoughts
There’s no perfect way to support someone through grief, but there are countless small ways to show you care. Whether it’s sitting quietly beside them, sending a thoughtful card, sharing a story about their loved one, or bringing over a warm meal, your presence and kindness matter more than you may ever realize.
Grief can feel isolating, but the simple act of reaching out — and continuing to do so long after the funeral — can be a lifeline.
At Scala, Roefaro & Karboski Funeral Home, we believe in the power of community and the healing that comes from compassion. If you or someone you know is navigating loss, our doors and hearts are always open.
If you’d like more guidance on grief support or information on our services, please don’t hesitate to contact us. We are here to serve you — today, tomorrow, and always.
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Scala, Roefaro & Karboski Funeral Home
https://srkfh.com/ | 1-315-733-6443 |
david@scalaroefaro.com
